My dad was a very pivotal and important figure in my life, and his death hit me like a brick… I’m sharing this brief glimpse into the hurt because despite all the fears that I would never be able to live a happy life, with time and the right people I can now say I can breathe.
By Taryn McCarthy – AVCAT Scholar
My dad passed away on October 1st, 2020, less than three weeks before my final HSC exams. His death was complicated and traumatic.
At the time it was only him and I living together. I came home that day to find my life changed. The motivation to do anything went out the window. I cried and cried and was depressed. I scribbled journal entries furiously and slept fitfully. At one point, I remember watching Dance Academy and crying through a whole episode. My dad was a very pivotal and important figure in my life, and his death hit me like a brick.
In 2020 I graduated high school and took a year off to work on my mental health, and recover from the trauma of my dad’s death. I’d like to thank those at Grafton Headspace – specifically my therapist, doctor and dietitian – for helping me get back on my feet, as well as my family for supporting me.
I’m sharing this brief glimpse into the hurt because despite all the fears that I would never be able to live a happy life, with time and the right people I can now say I can breathe. I can breathe without feeling this weight in my chest and a panic in my throat at the thought of my dad. I am happy with life.
Moving out of home and going my own way was the best decision for my ongoing recovery from depression and PTSD. At home, there were reminders of him everywhere, the RSL club, the beaches and even the supermarket I worked at.
I tried to heal, but I was bombarded by reminders and memories. Even mundane memories of driving home from school became something that would spark up tears. I moved in with my mum in a different town for my gap year and then left for university in a city with very few reminders of my dad.
I did not run away. After discussing my father and journaling on and off for a year I needed to move on. And being near that town was suffocating.
I started studying at UNSW this year after deciding between Sydney and Canberra. I’ve tried out many different sports and clubs – Muay Thai, Rollerskating, Iceskating, Running, Gaming, Music-making – and I’ve made many beautiful friends.
If you asked me two years ago what my hope for the future was, I’d say something like, ‘I hope I can be happy’, and I am. Some days are harder than others but I feel more stable and content living on my own.
My dad would be shocked to hear I’d moved to Sydney, but glad I wasn’t as far from home as Canberra. I’ve never met anyone who loves so unconditionally as my father did. He went through so much, heartache, a back injury in the army, alcoholism, drug addiction and mental health issues including PTSD, depression and severe adjustment disorder.
In 2020 his health deteriorated and I essentially became a carer for him. After his death, I found on his phone that he had searched for in-home care like I’d urged him to many times, and it made me cry. Dad was passionate about many things and especially ‘army life’ but he was also incredibly stubborn and did everything he could to avoid asking for help.
Dad had many hobbies and a dark, but incredibly funny sense of humour. I often miss hearing him tell jokes and make funny observations. I’m saying this because people often forget that veterans are more than just ‘ex-army or ex-navy. They are human. They are not just a concession entitlement, and they are not just a number. They are real people with struggles of their own and they need support.
People often forget that veterans are more than just ‘ex-army or ex-navy. They are human. They are not just a concession entitlement, and they are not just a number.
Organisations like Legacy were a huge help in ensuring my dad didn’t feel quite so alone, as many veterans do. They provided emotional and financial assistance and went above and beyond. The Coffs Harbour branch specifically – Jane, Alan, Dot and Bob to name a few – were incredibly understanding. I’m very lucky and grateful to have received an AVCAT Scholarship supported by Legacy Australia. They truly are a life-changing organisation.
I’d like to say thank you to Legacy Australia and AVCAT for supporting my family both before and after my dad’s death. I hope this glimpse into my story can help others not feel so alone.
If any veterans or people living with mental illness are reading this; I urge you to seek help and reach out if you ever feel alone. I want you to know that there are so many people out there waiting with open arms to welcome you. You just have to keep looking and keep trying. Keep giving because the light you create shines bright, even on your darkest days. I’d like to also thank my dad, for helping me create my own light and path. For supporting me and loving me for 17 years and for relentlessly battling and fighting his own problems despite how hard it was for him.
Taryn was awarded the Legacy Australia John Gough Memorial Scholarship in 2022.
If you or anyone you know needs help:
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Open Arms on 1800 011 046
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
- Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
- Headspace on 1800 650 890
- ReachOut at au.reachout.com
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
- Head to Health at headtohealth.gov.au